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LA, Ep. 30

July 22, 2014 — In LDM's annual Westwood delight, we returned to the magnificent Hammer Museum for a mid-summer event that boasted some of LA's finest. After a pitch-perfect night, the show closed with Sean Michaels outdueling Sara Benincasa in the Quiz of Death II to win Michaels the LDM LA, Ep. 30 crown.

But before the finale was even a thought, the night kicked off with Attica Locke (award-winning author of The Cutting Season and Black Water Rising) who told the audience that she attended a wedding on a plantation that married a white man and a black woman, before reading a piece of her work about a wedding on a fictitious plantation in 2008. Next up was Sean Michaels (author of Us Conductors and creator of Said the Gramophone) who told the story of the inventor of the abstract theremin instrument. The narrative included theremin-esquely colorful observations such as "the way the rain reminds you of a particular spring," and "I clasped you in my arms and threw you away."  

The mic was then handed over to the trio of all-star judges: Rachel Shukert, author of the Starstruck series, Everything is Going to be Great and Have You No Shame?; Craig Borten, Academy Award-nominated screenwriter (Dallas Buyer's Club); and Morley, street artist extraordinaire. The three charmed with a whorl of compliments and non-sequiturs directed towards Locke and Michaels (excerpts below) before deciding it would be Michaels, by the slimmest of margins, that would advance as the night's first finalist.

Without delay, it was time for Round 2, led off by Sara Benincasa, author of Great and one of Flavorwire's 25 Female Comedians Everyone Should Know. She came out swinging with the tale of a high school student (Billy)'s struggles under the influence of a Viagra bet, and his teacher's reactions of "That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard," and "You're the smartest kid in this class. Sorry kids, but it's true" - both directed at Billy. Finally, it was David Javerbaum, aka @TheTweetofGod, who read from The Last Testament: A Memoir, his collaboration with God. The Lord's revelations included correcting the assertion that He made "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," and shedding more light on Adam's story: Adam had a great eye for landscaping, masturbated incessantly, and after God "wholesomely" "roofied (Adam's) nectar," it was actually Steve that the Lord made from Adam's ribs before Eve came around to create drama. God took joy in Adam and Steve's relationship and commented that "their loins were a wonderland."

Again the mic was handed over to the trio of judges, who were rapturous with compliments and whimsy (excerpts below) before they made the night's second impossible decision, deciding it would be Benincasa that would advance, with Morley saying, "We didn't want to go with two white males...even if one of them is from Canada, which is kind of a minority."

Then up-stepped LDM creator Adrian Todd Zuniga who announced the Quiz of Death II finale, which had Michaels and Benincasa racing to beat the buzzer in a madcap literary quiz. After Michaels raced out to an early lead, Benincasa played some serious catch-up before Michaels leaned on his crowd-drafted teammates to nail the final answer, winning himself the LDM LA, Ep. 30 crown, and literary immortality to go with it. 

Judge Outtakes:

Literary Merit: Rachel Shukert ruminated on the question of, "Which one is hung? Is it the cock or the whole package?"

Performance: Craig Borten sexualized everything and everyone, including the voice of God after Benincasa buttered the judges up by commenting that she "found each of the judges sexually attractive."  Borten was also impressed with Benincasa's ability to ignore the LDM your-time-is-up bell.

Intangibles: Morley reviews were show-stoppers, as his thoughts went along the lines of, "I wanna know how you managed to create those words in that order, but I'm afraid that if you tell me it will only prove itself impossible for my inferior mind to fathom, and thus be like a slap in the face with a wet glove that smells of failure and cat urine." 

Follow us on Twitter: @litdeathmatch

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Reader Comments (1)

Get the Author right, morons! Javerbaum is not the Author of My Twitter Account!

July 22, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter@TheTweetOfGod

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