March 10, 2011 — During LDMs remarkable five-year anniversary spectacular, Andre Perry cupcake-flung his way to victory e'er-so-narrowly over the inimitably quick-witted Jane Bussmann at Brooklyn's Cameo to snare the lauded Literary Death Match crown.
But before the first projectile was slathered with icing, the night commenced with Perry (represening Mission Creek Festival), who awed the crowd with a drunken escapade down hipster lane — which not only led to the gentrification of his neighborhood, but also to a venue where hipsters congregate to study the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs as though they are the very definition of cool. Next went comedic brainiac Jimmy Donn (executive producer of The Daily Show), whose tales of masturbating pharaohs along the Nile, masturbating men in barrels freefalling down Niagara Falls, masturbating grandmothers on the tops of roofs, and other spiritual endeavors of masturbation, brought all to hysterics with his work and impersonations of the characters he wrote about.
The mic was then passed to the all-star panel of judges: 30 Rock writer and stand-up genius Hannibal Buress ("My Name is Hannibal"), the wildly talented Bambï lead vocalist Kevin Townley (co-host of The Talent Show Brand Variety Show), and award-winning comedian and general goddess Sara Benincasa (the mind behind Agorafabulous!). Even though all could relate to the spiritual enlightenment by which masturbation can lead, no one could deny Perry's impressive memory on the fated booze-fueled night (in which he vomited on a friend’s face). So, after a long and careful deliberation, it was announced that Perry would be the night’s first finalist.
After a brief intermission, Round two began with the ever-charming Alison Espach (author of the deservedly-lauded The Adults), explaining why high school boys beg for hugs, and in the end made everyone ponder, ‘why do people say hi by rubbing their genitals against each other?’ Next on the stage was the TV-film-radio-text do-it-all Bussmann (author of The Worst Date Ever: How it Took a Comedy Writer to Expose Africa's Worst War), whose story of losing her laptop in Uganda and the lackadaisical police officer – who did not help her find her computer, but did give her his screenplay for Hollywood pitching – wooed and astounded all in the room.
Once again the judges were leaned on for their expertise: Buress (judging literary merit) admitted he didn’t believe he was qualified for his position, since he hadn’t known “literary merit” was a term until tonight. Townley (judging performance) went on a rant about the navy blue tights that both readers wore, expounding on the tragedy of navy constantly being confused for black. And Benincasa (judging intangibles) ranted about how hot it was in Bussmann’s story when the police officer asked, “Does your hymen show signs of tearing?”
With a close to impossible decision for the three judges to make, Buress took the mic and declared that Bussmann would advance to the final round.
Then came the finale, with LDM creator Todd Zuniga and co-host Ann Heatherington helming the wild ending, which involved two volunteers from the audience putting on lucha libre masks and holding up a picture of past-LDM champ Tony DuShane. The objective being to shoot icing covered darts from a slingshot at DuShane's mouth, with the winner being the one nearest the goal. In the end, living surrounded by the Field of Dreams-corn of Iowa seemed to give Perry the edge, and not only did his icing'd ball (uh, what?) beat out Bussmann by being closer to DuShane's wide-open gob, it also won Perry the LDM crown and literary immortality.