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Raleigh, Ep. 1

September 15, 2009—Raleigh’s Literary Death Match debut was a night full of “treasured masturbatory fantasies,” unicorns and rock n’ roll as Jodi Lynn Villers captured the crown through a highly imaginative interpretation of the cafeteria scene in Mean Girls ("Would you like me to assign someone to butter your muffin?"). Co-finalist Scott McClanahan also delivered a riveting performance of the gym scene in Clueless ("I doubt I’ve even worked off the calories in a stick of Care Free Gum"), but Villers’ combination of southern charm and naughty hockey fantasies had stolen too many hearts that evening as the audience screamed for the winner.

The event took place on the downstairs stage of Raleigh’s Pour House, granting the LDM immediate street cred amongst the grunge bands and rock heroes that normally masquerade through—even as judges Rhett & Link lead the crowd in an emotional rendition of “I’ve had the time of my life” in memoriam to the Swayze.  Jack the sound guy, earlier voted by Heartthrob expert Daniel Wallace as sexier than Ewan McGregor, said it was an exceedingly fun change in the Pour House norm.  Rarely, after all, do rock roosters offer the zingy patter served up by co-hosts Greg Behr and Kelly Helder.

The match-ups began with a bologna sandwich fueled narrative by Scott McClanahan versus a musically-backed story by Billy Warden about his sexy Grandma’s maybe relationship with songster Muddy Waters. Despite Billy’s outstanding, cinnamon toast inspired performance, judges Daniel Wallace, Rhett & Link and KGBebe wanted to see McClanahan bring it in the duel. 

Author Daniel Wallace (Big Fish) having a laugh with his fellow judges. Photo by Raymond Goodman.

After the briefest of intermissions, Rhett & Link pulled out their guitar and revved up the crowd with their smash hit, The Facebook Song, to lead into the second round of readers. 

Jodi Lynn Villers stepped up to the mike, a last minute addition to the docket, and let out a string of masturbatory fantasies laced with touching family moments that clearly set her up as a Literary Death Match ringer. Her challenger, Jeff Polish, countered expertly with how as a Jewish boy his first Christmas ended with a stuffed unicorn viciously humped and broken by a Mastiff with an overactive libido. But it wasn’t quite enough, as the judges voted for a McClanahan vs. Villers finale Raleigh will be talking about for ages to come. 

Rhett & Link belting out a tune. Photo by Raymond Goodman.

McClanahan and Villers were handed a partial-script, MaClanahan: Clueless, Villers: Mean Girls, and sent into the audience to cast parts and dress characters in ridiculously comical ensembles to re-enact the scene. After two bastardizations of the classics, the audience voted for their favorite by screaming at the top of their lungs. And although it was a close, close match the roar of the crowd awarded Villers with the first ever Raleigh Literary Death Match crown! And she now resides as champion of all things literary, until the next Literary Death Match invades downtown. 

Click here for all the photos from LDM Raleigh's debut episode!

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Reader Comments (7)

Loved the Swayze sing-along. The right person won in addition. Good to see another literary magazine in Raleigh - it's been a while.

September 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatie Boone

great time last night - i'll never think of wrapping paper, bologna sandwiches, unicorns or cinnamon toast the same way ever again.

September 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterraymond

Billy wuz robbed! Robbed I tell ya'!

September 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrichardfoc

Controversy is bound to follow this breaking news, but it appears that LDM Raleigh was the most successful per capita event in the franchise's fabled history!
That's based on number of audience members as a percentage of a city's total population. It's important to note, we ran these numbers on our iPhone calculator, which means they are extra smart. Steve Jobs was looking over our shoulders the whole time!
What else is happenin' in happenin' Raleigh, NC? Check out
And thanks to all who made LDM Raleigh possible! See you again in 2017!

September 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBillyW

we had blast. thanks for including us.

September 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLink

I had an awesome time, thank you for inviting me!

September 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKG

I didn't need a song about Facebook. But the writers were varied and provocative. The venue was well chosen. Thank you.

September 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHowardW

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